Saturday, September 30, 2006

Trapped in between

Hoho...long din type anything here. Been caught up with work and now only I realize there are only 3 weeks to finish my practical. I remember when I started out a few months back, I thought it will be a total agony waiting for the final week to come...and now it is just around the corner. With exams coming up, nothing much to do nowadays. Just go to school, go inside classes help the students do revisions, relief classes for malay teachers who have to go back early for buka puasa. Not too mention have to take care 2 classes at the same time. Figure that. I practically have to be two teachers in two different classes at at the same time. Wonder woman also can't do that I think.

Basically nothing major to do la. Since my last observations for my teaching by my supervisor, I am just so relieved that all the heavy tasks are over. but now it is kinda boring without the challenge to face everyday. I think something wrong with me la. Most people I think is dreading all the work but I guess now I need it. It feels like the missing element of working life without the burden to work. Somehow I was promoted to get the best grade any trainee can get. That one is totally a good news and I gotta keep my fingers crossed so that the promotion will be a confirmed one.

Taking about cross- crossing someone in particular. Well, anyone at a work place couldn't avoid to be involved or at least "kena" a bit of the politics in the work place. It was the day before yesterday a few students from my biology class came to me and ask for my help to use a computer because they need to copy and paste a file from a diskette to another different diskette. I thought the tasks was very minor so I decided to help. But, maybe I crossed the line for letting the students in with me to the office. Then of course, I admit it is my fault for that one. And some of the teachers saw the students and they(the students) kena marah la. After that, my turn la of course, but the teacher din do it profesionally. Instead of saying it all up to my face, some people tend to bitch among their friends about certain things. High school is so over ladies!...You are a teacher now not a student anymore. Some more say all those things in chinese. It is a good thing I guess I don't really understand what they were saying but one of my colleague over heard them and translate it for me.

Whoa..I tell you human are just human. wether you are a grown up or not. Bitching is indeed a hard habit to kill especially when you are in a room full of estrogen power. They accuse me for ALWAYS bringing the students in the office. *Ouch! I admit what I did was wrong but accusing me on something like that is totally a NO NO. They could be blind or trainees is just not their fave person in the work place. My intention which was to help my students had turned out to be something else. My fault in the first place but I see other teachers also help their students but they were just lucky that this group of people din spot them. Now, I get a filthy suspicious looking glare from this group of people. The glares I don't care much but I know the accusation will stay there until I get to stand up for myself. But, I dont care much about that although I don't have much to do nowadays. This won't be my problem for long, 3 weeks to go and I am done with all these. Whew. Been there-done that. No damage done tho sakit hati a bit la.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Too busy too care...its a cliche

I am not so much a writer. As you can see my past postings are all with limited vocabulary. Well, somehow people say that writting is also a way to express oneself. Some people may think that blog postings shouldn't have to revolve so much about your personal life because it is posted on the net and open for the whole world to view.It's like having your journal or diary being viewed by the public. but, I just don't think that it'll happen to my blog because besides me who is writting and viewing this blog now and then, i am quite sure that not many people even bother to read the crap that come from me.

Not much happening lately, its just that everyday, bit by bit, my sadness is eating me from inside. I am just upset with so many things, and then to explain those many things are just very hard to do in one seating. " count your blessings" . i have tried to do that and indeed I have blessings and things to be grateful for. Yet, all of these sadness and happiness that happen but not being able to is just so stagnant and redundant. No growth.

I am not sure what I need or want. But for now, all I expect that my friends sometimes at least could be there for me when I need them. ears to listen , shoulder to cry, someone to hug. Maybe things happening at all the wrong time and other people's time zone just can't match mine although we are all living in Malaysia. Maybe, I never mentioned that " i need you friend, please be here for me". It's just that the simple invitation to have dinner together or at least a drink together to share the latest happenings. Life's ups and downs. Being able to talk and share its enough already. But, in the effort to gain that...all I get is rejection, rejection, rejection. People are just damn busy to notice that their friend just need someone to talk to. I stopped trying because I hate being turned down so many times.

Should I slit my wrist, pretend to be dying then only people will start to care? Should I say yesterday I was molested then only people will lend an ear to listen? Should I say I almost died because of drug abuse then only people will turn and look at me? * This sounded so desperate for attention huh? But does it take something serious only then you start to care?

i guess when somebody is not there anymore, then only people will realize that one of them is gone...

Maybe I am just selfish and thought about my own needs and wanted all the attention. But, if I am begging (though not in an obvious way)...not requesting okay..begging for the teeny weeny dose of attention. Would it hurt?

Maybe that's why I never believe in the term "BEST FRIEND" before. let alone BFF -best friend forever. because everything is a lie. There is no such thing as best friends. For my friends don't get offended by this but I am speaking about the reality now. Reality made the fact that best friends doesn't exist.

Monday, September 11, 2006

The road less travelled

Well, well that is my mom in the pix. And that was way back in 1986. I was just 1 year old that time. The pix below is my dad and me and my lil sis. I think that was taken at the airport. But can't remember for what and why we were we there. Life as a kid last time. Everything was way way much simpler then compared to now...

Oh...oh...I remember for what already. Well, this was according to my mom la. My dad just came back after a year in KL and being a kid that time, I was scared of my dad as though he was a stranger as I didn't see him for quite some time. Some people say the absence made the heart grows fonder but maybe for a kid it is really a different thing. Well, you grow up anyway...
And these are the faces of my siblings in mid 90's. I guess no need to point out which one is me there. Smiles and happiness are almost in there all the time. No worries of responsibilities and decision to made. Life was all about fun under the sun. :))

Then ten years later... As i said... we grow up and grow old as well la. A lot of things change. Now, no more lots of fun under the sun. Life is about being mature and bearing responsibilities. The decision is all up to yourself... * sigh. How I miss those years when things are much simpler.

I was watching the movie Click with my other half on Sunday. How nice if you can own a device which can rewind and fast forward the happenings in your life. But it is kinda scary to know your future too soon ... too soon from the time that you should find out. You will realise then how many things that you missed through the years.

Well, I don't actually know what is my real point here. But I know that I am scared of my own future. Nothing to expect and I am not sure that I have the wisdom to make the right decision for life. I am just hoping that HE will guide my way and show me the right path to take.

You got mail!

Dear (real-self) Joan,

Sorry to bother you at this time around, but there are some important messages (or rather impulses) sent to me that I need to convey to you. Well, the first thing is the worry department of your inner self was or rather is working extremely hard this few days. But, I guess they are not the telling the truth how long they had been working so hard. It seems that you are worrying about lots of things these days and they asked you not to give them so much work to do at a time. Even on Sundays they can’t relax also. Pity them. Don’t torture that department so much la ok.

About worrying for the future - there’s not much you can do over uncertainty. As the song goes “Que Sera Sera, whatever will be…will be.” Disappointment, heartaches, success, happiness…they will come and go. It is the phase of life. I know you need mental support (but I can see not much of that coming from other people, so we inside here have to do some overtime doin that) right now but please set realistic goals so that you won’t be burden by all your own expectations. I am also not so sure about the decision making department. They are all blur up there. Indecisive over everything and they also report to me that you would want to consider vocation if there’s something big happening in the future. What was that about? Can you clarify about that?

I know final year is kinda a harsh stage for you. But you gotta be strong for more challenges. Oh ya, your tears glands department and the emotional office has been working almost 7 days a week last week. It was not so good, as the water bill is quite high nowadays and you don’t take in as much water as you are required. Don’t neglect your physiological process sector you know. The departments there are fussier than those in the brain sector. The stomach was the one who always made the loudest noise one. Rumblings can be heard almost everyday and they report to me, you only sent them solid exports once a day. Whoa girl, what you are doing to yourself? Take good care of them because once they go on strike you will end up in the hospital.

Well, that’s about it for now. More reports will be delivered soon if you do not do any changes. I’ll keep you updated.

Department on duty;
Conscience department

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Irritatingly true

My wireless connection ain't working anymore (second announcement for that). This sucks! Can't really get anything done without internet and adding salt to the wound... this cyber cafe's connection is stupidly slow. The computer is also not that efficient. The keyboard you can't just touch lightly on it instead you have to pound on the keys like the thousand-years-old typewriter. Dammit...The windows also can't open and close by a click. You must try to click the X button for don't know how many times...and I am paying RM1.50 per hour for all this. Can you believe it??

Ok. I am done complaining about that. Geram ba tu la bising-bising ni. Anyway, it is Saturday after all and let us not ruin the day by complaining a lot. Yesterday, at my working place there was a snatch theft case. And guess what...the victim is one of the teachers in my school. Pity her. Somemore she is pregnant. Lucky she didn't fall down, only a little struggle with thief. But eventually she lose in the struggle.The thief or thieves were on a motor bike. I was not so sure about the whole story because I only heard about the incident. Not the one witnessng it.

This case also happen in the school compound in broad daylight. Scary isn't it? There is no place that is safe nowadays. Even in a private area like a school compound anything can happen. That one is a snatch theft case. Without strict supervision to a school compound you will never know what threat or danger that maybe threathening the safety of the girls and staff inside the school.

Ignorance is bliss...?

*sigh..this was supposed to be posted the day before yesterday but my wireless connection ain't working anymore...

Imagine you walked into a room, full of people. You are to give them a talk that they really need to know. But as you open your mouth and started talking, none of them were listening. You are just being nice and polite told them to pay attention yet no one…no one ever listen to you. You were talking at the top of your lungs but you can’t overcome the noise in the room. You are being ignored – and why you did all this because you care about them.
So, you have to enter not only one room full of people like that but a few. You also have to do it everyday - because you care and you were not paid a single cent for that noble job. In the end, you get nothing…just the hope that some people could ever lend their ears or at least look at you even though they were not listening. Instead you were ignored. Ignored…


Every time the bell rings, I have to be prepared not to be knocked down by the stampeding kids. All are excited to go home after the long hours of schooling. They will barge and at that moment they only can see the school gate. Any other object or person in their path, especially the ones which are heading towards the opposition direction of the flow…they will destroy. I know I am exaggerating but if you are in my shoes, this would be a pretty scary experience.
But today, I don’t care. All those are nothing compared to what I have achieved. I manage to silence up the class (which I don’t know how many decibels they were producing using their mouth). At last, they listen…but minutes after that they started again * sigh. Yet for once, I manage to put them in silence with just a single-long-winded-scolding…Haha. I know I am like a mother nagging to kids but that is what teachers as the last resort. Not all teachers will choose scolding as the last option la, but for me it will be. I don’t like to make un-educational noise in the class. But if I have, to I will.
Since nobody is going to give a pat on my back for that, I will do it myself. *Kudos to me. Yay! Haha… I have gone mental a bit because of the noise and hectic work tolerating with 40+ students for each class, each day, five days a week. Not only that… being ignored is another thing. Got fed up with the ignorance thingy these days it seems to be contagious and affecting other aspects of my life as well. Huh…Lucky for them I can let go of everything that had been bottling up to my ever-willingly-being-punched-and-kicked-blue-exercise ball. (Though for short term result only). Pity the ball.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Carotid artery medula oblongata

So much for being a biology teacher, i only managed to get the taste of the medicine world by explaining the terms and basic mechanism of the physiology process in the human body to my students. Being a doctor was my biggest dream of all time (before). But then I guess I was side-tracked or was it not meant to be - I ended up being a future teacher. Which I am not saying that it is not good, somehow after a few months in this line, I began to wonder wether this is what I really wanted to do or not? The decision that is so hard to make yet the time is catching up on you as well.

Speaking about medicine. I know the reality of the profession may not be as fun or intriguing as the one potrayed in the TV through series like ER, General Hospital or Grey's Anatomy yet I am still wishing that I can be in a doctor's shoes for one day. Just to feel how and what is the working atmosphere that they went through. Ok. enough with the dream that cannot come true.
I grew up watching ER and totally got inspired by the series. Now there is another series called Grey's Anatomy. I was really hooked up with this series until I finished watching the season 1 and 2 in such a short period of time. It's the right dosage of drama and medical cases that made it nice to watch...and not to mention the songs used in this series are totally nice and well-suited for every episode. I think I must get my hands on those tunes one of these days. Somehow my limited internet connection made it hard for me to download anything from the net.

Seriously! seriously! It's the most over used word in that series. But I still find it cute. Especially when the girls (Meredith and Izzy) were having problems and things will just being blown to the ever-weak-looking guy in their team (George). If you find this rather confusing, you must go and watch the series first. The Nazi's cold attitude towards her interns eventually made her my fave character there. All in all, it's a superb show and witty scripts.

By the way, the official site for this series also provide a guide on understanding the medical procedure done on the series. So it is not merely an entertainment but also educational and very helpful. For example, they provide info for you on how to be an organ donor and more info on health. Wanna know more? click here

Oops..Look at the time gotta get back to my work searching for carotid artery and medula oblongata. Well, not for medicinal or surgical purpose but to educate the young minds that maybe one day will be doctors also.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

"They look new"

It is Sunday! Last day of the weekend. Well, technically it is monday already since the clock shows it is five past midnight. But if I haven't wake up and see the first sun ray of monday therefore it is still sunday for me. Boo-hoo. it's the last day of the weekend and tomorrow monday blues again.

Ok.just forget about Monday for a while. Let's talk about Sunday. Sunday sunny day. Here I go again trying to rhyme up the word...Now, where should I start. Morning, I went to church. The typical thing to do every weekend la. But it was not that typical for me anymore for the past few weeks. It had been quite some time that I didn't go to OLS church. Went to other church in a different place.(Its not that I don't go to church anymore okay) Reached there and I can see a lot of new faces emerged out from nowhere. "They look new," I said. I asked my sis who are those people. She say normal people who go to that church la. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I am really "ketinggalan" about the latest happening in that church. I have been missing in action there for quite some time and nobody ever miss me?? Huhu.. Well, time flies, people change and life still have to go on.

And the breakfast moments at the cafe we always go after church invites all the nostalgic memories back. Yet then again, all the new faces surrounding me. Only a few of old faces were there. But people are not the same anymore. Me, myself also I think had changed if compared to the first time I set foot on that place.

Now, after breakfast comes the shopping spree. But it is still too early because all the shops were still closed. Therefore I had to drag myself and join them watching a movie. Little Man. It was funny but not as funny as the White Chicks where the same Wayan brothers acted in. After movie went window shopping. Last day of shopping carnival but there no good bargains. * Actually the truth is, I have no money to shop that's why I said no good bargains. Haha. Prangin Mall was not the ideal place for me to shop with a hole in my pocket. Maybe should just go pasar malam or tamu to buy things
I don't know also why I decided to dye my hair black today. Using black henna...and I suppose one will know the consequences of touching henna. Your hands will be dyed as well. I used a plastic to cover my hand but I didn't realize the plastic was torn until after I finished applying the henna on my hair. At that time, it was too late to save anything already. Now, I have black hair and black fingers and black fingernails as well. Aiya.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

One step at a time

Well...well...well. Here I am getting started with another blog. Which I don't think I can keep up and maintain it. Enough with the friendster blogs (which that one also I can't really get my hands on) let alone this another blog. Somehow, I just wanted to try new things one at a time because life seems to be stagnant at some point now. Only some things and that particular someone could make my world go round again. Yet they can't be around me all the time so gotta occupy myself doing other things in the mean time.


...again lost in thoughts

I think this is enough for the officiating post of my blog. More updates coming soon...and hopefully my wireless connection will always be OK so that it will be convenient for me to pour my thoughts out here.