I am not so much a writer. As you can see my past postings are all with limited vocabulary. Well, somehow people say that writting is also a way to express oneself. Some people may think that blog postings shouldn't have to revolve so much about your personal life because it is posted on the net and open for the whole world to view.It's like having your journal or diary being viewed by the public. but, I just don't think that it'll happen to my blog because besides me who is writting and viewing this blog now and then, i am quite sure that not many people even bother to read the crap that come from me.
Not much happening lately, its just that everyday, bit by bit, my sadness is eating me from inside. I am just upset with so many things, and then to explain those many things are just very hard to do in one seating. " count your blessings" . i have tried to do that and indeed I have blessings and things to be grateful for. Yet, all of these sadness and happiness that happen but not being able to share...it is just so stagnant and redundant. No growth.
I am not sure what I need or want. But for now, all I expect that my friends sometimes at least could be there for me when I need them. ears to listen , shoulder to cry, someone to hug. Maybe things happening at all the wrong time and other people's time zone just can't match mine although we are all living in Malaysia. Maybe, I never mentioned that " i need you friend, please be here for me". It's just that the simple invitation to have dinner together or at least a drink together to share the latest happenings. Life's ups and downs. Being able to talk and share its enough already. But, in the effort to gain that...all I get is rejection, rejection, rejection. People are just damn busy to notice that their friend just need someone to talk to. I stopped trying because I hate being turned down so many times.
Should I slit my wrist, pretend to be dying then only people will start to care? Should I say yesterday I was molested then only people will lend an ear to listen? Should I say I almost died because of drug abuse then only people will turn and look at me? * This sounded so desperate for attention huh? But does it take something serious only then you start to care?
i guess when somebody is not there anymore, then only people will realize that one of them is gone...
Maybe I am just selfish and thought about my own needs and wanted all the attention. But, if I am begging (though not in an obvious way)...not requesting okay..begging for the teeny weeny dose of attention. Would it hurt?
Maybe that's why I never believe in the term "BEST FRIEND" before. let alone BFF -best friend forever. because everything is a lie. There is no such thing as best friends. For my friends don't get offended by this but I am speaking about the reality now. Reality made the fact that best friends doesn't exist.