Motivation

Motivation needed!

All this while, I never thought a pep talk can make any difference in anyone's life. Its all like yadda yadda here and there. BUT now, I am in need of one. Everytime I think about thesis and life. I get overwhelmed and I felt like running somewhere where people can't find me.

I need to accept the fact that daily routine are no more all about me. Sustaining a healthy relationship within the family, juggling a career and just living everyday is actually tiring. Everything seems like a ticking time bomb now where the biological clock is ticking, the thesis clock is ticking. Yet, you can't seem to do everything all at the same time.

"I am not a quitter!"

I need to tell myself this. I can do this. I need to just do it and don't think so much. Every day has its trouble on its own.

JUST DO IT. LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!

ok back to my thesis struggle.

Getting ready

Now that the cat is out of the bag. Reality actually starts to sink in. Instead of preparing for my reinstatement back to my service being a teacher, I am more concerned on the preparation to becoming a mother. WTH. Hahaha. I am actually very worried because I really do not know what to do.

Just a brief of timeline of what's gonna happen for the first half of 2017

February - when I start teaching in school again but do not know where in KL or Selangor
June - expected due date for delivery and I plan to deliver in Sabah
July - new house will be ready and I do not know how to foresee the renovation or even decorating the house

Putting the timeline aside, I also need to be mentally and physically prepared for the baby. At the same time finish my thesis as well. Argh, I am so scared!

Banyaknya mo buat!

So, for the first time ever, the mister and I went surveying for baby stuff at several shops and departmental store. Baru pusing pusing sikijap sudah rasa bankrap. OMG. Why do baby stuff cost so much and it's like kicil only. WTH!

And I don't like all the cartoon-y stuff on the blanket and pillows and what not. Bulih ka macam tu? Haha. Is there anywhere that sells only plain baby stuff, I would like to know where. Pening sa nampak cartoon sana sini. Odoi.

How to fight laziness?

I usually wake up the latest by 7.30 am everyday. Earlier during my first trimester, I woke up around 6.30am to have breakfast. Just to fuel the body before the nausea sets in. But now, I would rather stay in bed until like 9.30am. Wasting my life away. In which mind you, I only have until the 14th of February to wake up this late before I started my service back in the education system. I should be slaving away to finish off my thesis.

BUT, I AM SO LAZY!

I haven't been doing much reading or even writing that contributed to the progress of the thesis. All I do all day is to laze around and just read whatever on the social media. OMG. Not good at all.

Macam mana la mau rajin ni?

Proposal Defence!

Finally. Like since forever. Finally. I am being called in to defend my proposal next week. Thank God!

The thing is my plan for my research is very much like a kamikaze method already since I have been waiting for so long. All this queue-ing and what not. I already plan to just jump in the data acquisition phase without waiting for the approval from the faculty. This is because the school holiday is approaching soon and I don't really have much time. So much for all the planning and planning. Sometimes last minute just work better than anything. I think I just have to accept that!

Anyway, I already planned to go back to my school for conducting the research this 27th October since the students aka my samples will be having their exams until 27th. 28th October sounds like a good time to start. Lo and behold, guess what the?! The ministry decide to announce that 28th October is extra holiday for Deepavali. Luckily my samples said okay to having the program on the 28th as well. Okay, keeping my fingers crossed for their full cooperation. I will be depending my life so much on their goodwill.

SO, coming back to proposal defence. It is being scheduled on 31st October. WTH! Okay okay I know, beggars can't be choosers. Its better now than never. I have to buy another flight ticket to come back to KL for the presentation. All is good! All is good! I can do this. Come back to KL on 29th October and flying back to KK again on 31st itself as well as I need to continue on my data acquisition on the 1st of November.

Hello life! Hahaha. I am happy!

via GIPHY

This really calm me down now. Hehe.

For any consolation. I know Christmas is coming soon. It is just around the corner.

Super high pressure!

It is actually towards the end of May already. I have been slacking way too much. Like wayyyyy too much! So, I decided I need to fine tune my head and my thoughts and my soul. 

I enrolled myself to an Upskill Course organized by the graduate studies department. This is like the first time ever I attended one. Like ever! Because the list is perpetually full when you want to register for any courses offered. This time I got lucky. Hahaha. The lecturer for the 6 hours course was also kinda cute. Haha. Muda lagi. 

So, that was my Monday. Today, I have to again to the campus to attend a meeting with the Bahagian Tajaan. Yeah, good times! Also get to meet my Borneo friends who are all educators under the same sponsorship program. My friends are all super hardworking some of them already had done their proposal defense and I haven't even get my proposal together. DAMN SUPER PRESSURE now!

Drove home feeling like a failure because I am a super slacker. But the bundle of joy from MPH Online. Cheered me up. See what "rubbish" I bought with the Baucar Buku 1 Malaysia. WTF right?! More distractions!!

Ok, back to reading journals now.

Be strong Joan

I am so worried with the progress of my thesis. Huhuhuhu!

Trying to motivate myself #qotd #inspirationalquotes #art #paper53 #illustration #doodles

A photo posted by Joan of Arc (@joan_jade) on May 18, 2016 at 9:35am PDT

Surviving Dengue

If there's one thing that I could do to turn back time is when the time the stupid mosquitoes bit me and caused me to get dengue. I have been hearing stories about how bad dengue was and now, I get to experience it first hand and I must say, it WAS NOT PLEASANT!

12th April 2016

Went to my Zumba as usual in the evening and I was not in the mood for zumba as well as menses this month was extraordinary painful and my body was not reacting the way it is supposed to be during my class. Felt sluggish but I brushed it off thinking it was just fatigue.

13th April 2016

Pushed through my morning class and end up being super sluggish again. Drove back with a heavy head and slept again right after breakfast feeling cold and pain in the joints. Luckily, my Zumba Kids scheduled in the afternoon was cancelled and I only have to brave through the evening class. Slept in the afternoon and the mister joined me as well as he too was feeling sick.

Zumba on through the evening and came back home half dead, showered quickly and ate potato bun and some mushroom soup.

Slept with this temperature through the night with major major joint pain. The mister had his body temperature almost 40C and all I can say that night was the longest night of my life. That paracetamol that I took provided just a brief relief, worried sick about the mister too. AND I have to pack for my flight to KK the next day. WTF!

14th April 2016

Basically in the morning, I still managed to do laundry and drag myself to the clinic along with the mister. The clinic prescribed normal fever meds and a jab on the butt for immediate relief. Just to keep me sane for my flight in the afternoon. Short relief and I actually have some appetite to eat the rice takeaway before my flight. That was my rice meal at least for the next three days as I do not have any appetite at all after that.

15th April 2016

Everything tasted bittter when I tried to eat breakfast. I was actually very happy to be back in KK to makan and do some delayed stuff for the shop renovation. The fever was on and off. Bad bad bad fever with major joint pain. I am still keeping in mind about the doctors' advice to get our blood tested by the third day of the fever. and it is only the second day. Somehow, I still managed to do some tiles shipping for the shop renovation. Well, at least the trip back home wasn't entirely wasted of me being sick all the time.

Still is worried sick with the mister since I flew back alone and he is left alone in KL with his fever. And my sister also start to have the same fever too.

16th April 2016

The want to vomit and diarrhea phase. I basically could not eat anything. I forced myself to eat some bread and that's it. The fever also is getting the best out of me. Felt like dying. The mister informed me that he has been tested positive for dengue. So, I was like so worried for him. Felt like flying back to KL that instant. But, I myself is like a vegetable too. Went to Pathlab for a blood test. Turned out negative for dengue. Perhaps my body is still not showing it in my blood. In and out of the toilet the whole day regardless of no food being ingested. My God!

17th April 2016

Still cannot eat much. My mom insisted on me going to the hospital again. And yeah, blood test again. Ugh!

This was my blood test. White Blood Cell count is super low with just 1.43 and my platelet is only 115. Positive dengue for sure and they want to ward me already but I said I do not want. First, I do not like to stay in the hospital. Secondly, I am scared of all the IV shit. Although, I know hospital monitoring is better because dengue is actually life threatening. I still do have my fever. Perpetually at 38C. It just doesn't come down. 

Also, if I am warded, I cannot go back to KL on Tuesday and I do not want that.

18th April 2016

My mom is actually forcing me to eat. Any weird garlic-y smell could induce vomiting for me. Strong smelling perfume. Salty food all are bitter. I can only eat a few spoons of plain rice or rice with sugar.

Like this porridge with sugar. Hahaha. So weird right. I can only take sweet tasting stuff. Anything than that taste like what only.

Also, I am so worried about the mister and my sister in KL. I was so close to flying to KL on Monday morning itself but there's no point as well.

19th April 2016

My flight back to KL is at 10.55am. Touched down in KL and I went straight to HKL to get my blood tested again. And also because my sister is about to be warded too. Oh God!  Fever is gone but I cannot walk very fast and I am actually experience difficulty to breathe which I never mentioned to the doctor.

My blood test on the day I came back to KL is also not doing very well but since I never actually vomited out, fever is gone and my diarrhea had stopped, they still do not have enough reasons to ward me. But thank God the white blood cell count has increased. Although the platelet count still continue to spiral down. My sister on the hand, her conditions deteriorate so much because she did not drink and eat enough. Perhaps because no one was there to take of them and I was actually home taken care by my mom. When you are sick, you really need someone to just pester you to eat and drink. Yeah, like seriously even though you will be cursing mad because you do not actually have the appetite and you just feel like shit.

So, starting from 20th April onwards, it was blood test everyday for me and my sister is in the ward. HKL ground now doesn't seem foreign to me anymore.

I have this rashes all over my legs and arms. So weird. The doctor said it is part of the recovery process. Hmmmm. And the lymph nodes behind my ears and at the nape of my neck also all were swollen. It was painful.

Can you see my sister's name on the board?? Bed no. 14. She is warded for like 3 days and got discharged yesterday. Dengue dengue dengue. Totally a bad bad bad experience.

And of course, look at my arms. Blue all over. Still nothing beats my sister's experience of being warded. She lost count on how many times the nurses and doctors drew blood from her arms. Cucuk everywhere. 

Man! That is exactly why I do not want to be warded.

So, we are all on the road to recovery. The mister is still struggling with this revisions. Such a bad luck and bad timing to get dengue a week before his exams. My sister is recovering as well, we still have rashes on our legs and arms. We get tired easily. I lost 2kgs in the first 6 days. At the end of the dengue week, I am 55kg. Kurus kunun. Puik! But I feel lethargic all the time. 

I do not know how will I get back to my dance fitness classes. I told the studios that I will be back by the first week of May. I seriously do not know how my body will perform post dengue. We will see.

My proposal writing is halted and I am actually panicking. But I guess, things happen for a reason and I just need to calm myself down and start the writing ASAP. 

All in all, I am actually grateful that all of us recovered (albeit still a working progress). I never knew that dengue is actually very life threatening since the virus attack your bone marrow and liver and interrupt your bodily functions just like that and in severe cases you could just actually bleed yourself to death from the inside.

People! Just be careful with the mosquitoes around you. 

Postgraduate Life

Now that I got my writing momentum back, things are falling into places. Well, part of it because I am actually so stressed out with the deadline drawing in near and I do not actually have any substance in my research proposal. Hahaha. Tau takut. Itu lah main saja. Zumbazumbazumba. Itu saja kana ingat.

And when I got this email last week, sent in mass for all postgraduates. This really put focus back. Good idea from people at the faculty. Seriously! It really put my focus back. Now, I am not sure whether I should apply for this mock seminar or not. I only have 1 week to prepare and my SV is asking again "Are you really sure with what you want to do now?"

Hahaha. What a tough question.

I am in for another supervision meeting today. Hopefully, there will be some positive feedback from my SV today since the last two drafts of problem statement that I sent in was not very useful. Huhuhu.

Helpless

I have been uninspired for almost a week. The progress on the problem statement that I have to write also is very very slow. What has gotten into me? So, today I practically rummage through all my files and starting sorting out papers. These papers have nothing to do with my research. It is just miscellaneous things that you have when you are an adult.

Bills, receipts, account statements, and all the other shitty stuff.

Done all the sorting and filing, I actually felt a lot better. Then, I got reminded of my room back in my hometown that is totally unorganized since I relocated in 2014. All those files on the book rack are now considered obsolete. My hands are actually itching to get it sorted right now. But that means I have to fly 1019 miles to be back in Tamparuli.

Ah, I better focus on my thesis for now. Can't be procrastinating too much anymore. I just need to get my life in KL to be sorted out. Messy la this thesis work thingy. Sigh!

I need motivation!

Dreams to pieces

Well, to be dramatic, I should say that my dreams are shattered.

Like what dream?

To graduate my master with a perfect 4.0 CGPA.

Hahahaha. What a perfectionist hope. I got my first semester a perfect four. But the second one is like crap. Damn it.

Damn you Digital Libraries. The thing that I am not satisfied with this paper is that the group project was almost solely done by me - and to know that your group members actually scored better than you because of the scoring method and the shitty carry mark you had because you did the quiz way too honestly. Argh! I am on fire right now.

WHY????????

Okay, I am being way too dramatic now. I should be grateful. I should be GRATEFUL. ok ok. Anyway, I am so done with this coursework stuff and stupid group projects. I am so looking forward to doing my dissertation and graduate on time. This 2016 it is!

This emotional thingy shall pass. Let's start on a clean slate now.