Monday, July 20, 2009

when I can't sleep

Usually posting something very personal on this blog of mine was not a very big deal last time. * I think ~ not many people that I know in real life are reading it *. Now, uhm..contents meant to be filtered, so as not to spill too much beans. konon-as if ramai yang baca..kui kui kui

When I can't sleep my mind wanders. The thing with having sleepless nights is that I also dreamed quite a lot. A dreamer and a light sleeper I am made the slumber time of mine is such an unpleasant one. Good dreams are hard to come by but nightmares always do. ~ Sigh. Too much negativity in my head maybe.

One recurrent issue in my dream lately can always be summarized as fear of commitments *I guess* I dreamt that I had to be engaged with someone and I decided otherwise during the event itself. I dreamt I cried seeing someone I like have to leave me because that person gotta be with someone else. That were some of the dreams that I remembered. Some I can't remember.

This year, a lot of people that I know and close friends also cousins are taking another step in their life. Either its being engaged or getting married. I am happy for them but it started to freak me out. Well, not freaked as in really freaked out but my thoughts gone berserk. I can't imagine myself being in their shoes.

If I were to be them, what will I do? Is that the person that I am gonna spend my whole life with? What if I suddenly changed my mind? Is this a mistake? So many questions. Not that I am any near to that level right now but it just get me thinking.
Behind those beautiful events of joining two hearts together, there is a bigger picture behind it.

The deep thoughts in your head really reflects in your dreams. I do not know about other people. But, for me.. it is. The interaction of thoughts and what is happening around me made the drama seems so real in the dreams.
pic courtesy of

I admit it.

I am scared of a lifelong commitment *period*


Fharelynne said...

Hye Joan,

I think i can understand ur feelings towards commitment. Some times things are just too good to be true ..there`s a saying that if everything goes your way, u re probably in the wrong lane...But i guess we have to take the risk..i fear those things too..but i think..fear will stop me from achieving my i go for it..i dare to and try my best..and of course..pray along the way :)

Its a nice sharing u have here..i like it..

take care..

p/s: cuci kaki before that`ll work kan...hahaha

Lindut a.k.a Carmel said...

puas2 dlu bujang bh Joan..baru kawin..kan,kan