Friday, January 29, 2010

ANXIETY day - part II

And so I walked into the meeting room.

"Eh, you looked like you have banyak anak already la wearing this baju"

"Lawa ko ni ari, tapi tu perut bah...doii"

Hmppph! I just don't mind with this lame 'compliments'. I have been working hard to lose my weight and am so positive that those comments I won't hear again. But I am going through a very hard time now. So, go easy on the comments. I have feelings too you know.

First, it's because of my hormones going berserk = PMS.

Third is the upcoming responsibility that I have at church. Yes, again. Why God? why me?


Ya.. can laugh at me or you can start that thought in your head.

And I know you will start saying things like..

"Uish, alim juga pula dia ni.."

"Ei, urang kuat church la bah pula"

"Halleluya juga dia nih! "

and whatever things la. Please stop. I don't like that.

As a matter of fact, I am very ashamed to admit that I do work and serve the church as one of the youth leaders. ASHAMED! I am the last person to admit that I am actively involved in church.

For the first time in my life this time, I wrote openly here that I SERVE the church.

You might get all bewildered why should I be ashamed of what I am doing now. You have your views but I have my reasons.

1) someone ever told me that I am too conservative, I wrote too much religious stuff on my blog, so I decided to not write about it. Just to make sure that I am not too religious and I might scare people with that.

2) for someone new that i met, if they ever asked me what I am doing at that very moment and so if it happens that I am working on some church related stuff, I will definitely lie to them that I am doing something else. Just to make sure that I won't be labelled as a church person.

3) in the car; if I want to listen to worship songs, I will definitely make sure that I am alone in the car. If I have my friends together, I decided to play other songs. Just to make sure that they won't be scared that I might convert them to another being.

And for the people whom I do not know very well, acquaintances mainly, I just don't like to admit that I never missed going to church every Sunday. Yes...I do go to church with my family without fail unless there's something that I can't avoid. Satisfied? I said it all.

If you think I am a freak right now. Yes I am. I am ashamed of my faith. And that's the truth.

Why? I just don't like the JUDGEMENT that the people around gave to me when they know that I serve the church.

And you see I am not the strongest person alive and I surely don't have the highest self esteem ever plus I totally don't have that thick skin and deaf ear to hear things like...

"Jangan lah bawa dia tu, holy punya orang bah dia tu"

"Bilang orang kuat church, tapi perangai itu juga.. bukan baik sangat"

"Macam bagus tapi...(plus smirking look)"

For goodness sake, enough of the pressure!!! I am just trying to live my life okay. Or perhaps I inflicted this injury to myself. Pseudoconflict?

But I am very sure that I can't stand the judgement.

People around me...please stop judging.

Please I beg you. I am a human being not a saint nor an angel.

God! Seriously.... why me?


Claire said...

sabar sja la k joan...jum kita p surf benda2 juicy so boleh ketawa2... :)

Dazeree Joan said...

Joan dear. Heads up!! One thing for sure, we can never stop people from talking. And people suuuuuuuuuuuuuure love to talk, just to make suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure they're feeling (<---dorg puny insecurity jg tu) better than you.

So, listen to yourself. Nobody defines you, but yourself. ^^v

Rungitom said...

I agree on Dazeree, just do what you like to do. Besides, they are not the one who actually support your life financially or whatever.

"Bah kenapalah kalau saya [insert what the things they always talk bad about you], bukan kamu yang tanggung hidup saya"

You are not the only one who had this kinda feelings.

TaQuiLa said...

You know you are prettier , healthier, more beautiful, more talent than them..Just ignore those people..

See, in this world, people talk when you are bad, and when you are good, people won't stop talking bad about you..So what's the deal?

Go on with you happy life gurl!

p/s : anyway, God have His own agenda to you ba tu, that's why He chose you :) Peace :P

erizabesu said...


sabar2 k. I know it's easy to say tapi you did it for God.

Dorang suka kah tidak, peduli lah dorang.

It's your life, you rights, not them. So don't feel bad.

Earthy Emily said...

Be proud that you are serving the church. I know the joy that it gives. I always feel I have no one to confide in too. Feel like exploding. But you're gonna get through it. God will always make a way.

Kris and Nadia said...

Yes, be proud bcoz u r serving God.. :) paduli la dorg2 tu :) yg penting u knw wut u do and it's right :) actuali sya pun tired dgn org2 begini, so wut i did is ignore them & lama2 dorg pun fed up.. kurang kasih sayang baitu, so all they can do is judging & observing people around them... teda keja kan.. *btw, sya lagi malu kalu mengaku lama nda pg church ...huhu...and really proud to tell sya pernah jadi sunday school teacher.. :)hihi.. & I try to be good all the time :)

Anonymous said...

We are totally opposite then. I used to be ashamed of myself for not going to the church as frequent as I should be. Actually I still am. But i didn't give it much thought. So yeah don't give a damn on something insignificant. Just remember this, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

The point is (strictly my own opinion), you don't become angels or little evils based on your 'attendance' to the church or any sort of holy grounds. ^^

Hey, you should really find some time to watch 'House'. Trust me you'll learn a lot.. and it's funny. Some unofficial findings suggested that laughing may reduce frowns.

lydia1212 said...

u should be proud to yourself. just live ur life, in ur own way, bcoz u r juz u; nobody can change u, let them judge nor criticize u, and take things in a positive way. U r special, one of a kind, that's y God had chose u: be proud to urself. jia you2x :)

Unknown said...

It's ok bah tu. Yg kuat mengumpat pun inda bagus tu. There's nothing wrong with it.. Dorang jeles saja tu.