"Eh, you looked like you have banyak anak already la wearing this baju"
"Lawa ko ni ari, tapi tu perut bah...doii"
Hmppph! I just don't mind with this lame 'compliments'. I have been working hard to lose my weight and am so positive that those comments I won't hear again. But I am going through a very hard time now. So, go easy on the comments. I have feelings too you know.
First, it's because of my hormones going berserk = PMS.
Second, refer earlier post
Third is the upcoming responsibility that I have at church. Yes, again. Why God? why me?
Ya.. ya..you can laugh at me or you can start that thought in your head.
And I know you will start saying things like..
"Uish, alim juga pula dia ni.."
"Ei, urang kuat church la bah pula"
"Halleluya juga dia nih! "
and whatever things la. Please stop. I don't like that.
As a matter of fact, I am very ashamed to admit that I do work and serve the church as one of the youth leaders. ASHAMED! I am the last person to admit that I am actively involved in church.
For the first time in my life this time, I wrote openly here that I SERVE the church.
You might get all bewildered why should I be ashamed of what I am doing now. You have your views but I have my reasons.
1) someone ever told me that I am too conservative, I wrote too much religious stuff on my blog, so I decided to not write about it. Just to make sure that I am not too religious and I might scare people with that.
2) for someone new that i met, if they ever asked me what I am doing at that very moment and so if it happens that I am working on some church related stuff, I will definitely lie to them that I am doing something else. Just to make sure that I won't be labelled as a church person.
3) in the car; if I want to listen to worship songs, I will definitely make sure that I am alone in the car. If I have my friends together, I decided to play other songs. Just to make sure that they won't be scared that I might convert them to another being.
And for the people whom I do not know very well, acquaintances mainly, I just don't like to admit that I never missed going to church every Sunday. Yes...I do go to church with my family without fail unless there's something that I can't avoid. Satisfied? I said it all.
If you think I am a freak right now. Yes I am. I am ashamed of my faith. And that's the truth.
Why? I just don't like the JUDGEMENT that the people around gave to me when they know that I serve the church.
And you see I am not the strongest person alive and I surely don't have the highest self esteem ever plus I totally don't have that thick skin and deaf ear to hear things like...
"Jangan lah bawa dia tu, holy punya orang bah dia tu"
"Bilang orang kuat church, tapi perangai itu juga.. bukan baik sangat"
"Macam bagus tapi...(plus smirking look)"
For goodness sake, enough of the pressure!!! I am just trying to live my life okay. Or perhaps I inflicted this injury to myself. Pseudoconflict?
But I am very sure that I can't stand the judgement.
People around me...please stop judging.
Please I beg you. I am a human being not a saint nor an angel.
God! Seriously.... why me?